yes...Kittens...you heard correct...im back... for anyone who will listen... i guess i was tired of writing about all the shit that was wrong with my life......a new year( as of nov 1st)....has brought me back to life...
i will post later tonight....promise.

so ...i believe that i will back to having a job next week.. i called the office and i felt really awkward asking ...but i had to know something.... so they way that they are talking, all is well, and i guess im starting next week.
so much to do tonight.. and i lack so much motivation.. the gym? what is that...? lol
i know i have done alot of damage in that department...
i miss Suzanne so much...

so i was hired thursday for this awesome job.... perfect boss... someone who saw me for the person i was...and saw what i could offer as a partner...
today i went to start my ppw so i could have it all donr before i started on monday...
i went to the office today ...and i was told that he died last night.. in he snow
... shoveling snow... i am in shock..
i dont know what to think,but how horrible it is for his family... he was so nice... so genuine... his personality and his ethics is what sold me on taking this job and the pay cut....
i am really done right now...

...........so its been about a month since She passed, and im not sure how i could say that i am
i thought i was getting better, not as in "over" what happened...but more like saying that the calmer days..or good days were starting to win over the bad ones...
yeah.... that concept got flushed....
between some dreams ive had...visiting the bridge last week, and other BS that i have discovered.... the past 4 days have been shit...
sometimes it hurts so much that i cant breathe.... neal tries to be understanding...and he has been great through all of this... i know that he just doesnt understand, especially since he has never had a loss remotely like this....
what is disgusting me ...and what i am trying to detatch from (on an angerment kind of way) is the fact that Jeff (who was involved with Suzanne...who apparently loved her) who did break up with her the day before she committed suicide, and was so upset that he wasnt able to deal with all this... is "apparently" (i dont know if it is fact) with some girl now!!!!!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK????? I MEAN COME ON!!!!! it wasnt even a fucking month....

if this is true...i am done with him... honestly, any excuse would not phase me... i could see like months down the road, he hanging out maybe.. a year.... but it wasnt even a fucking full month since she was buried....
but i swear..... if it is true....it will prove to me that no matter what is said...i loved her more than he ever did...or could....
she didnt even say goodbye to him....she came to me before she did what she did....which i guess is totally a blessing and a curse.... i dont know what happened when they broke up...i dont know what was said....i will never know the truth... i know that she had so much going on in that little head...i know that she loved him...she just wanted to be loved, and not be alone....i know she did want some sort of commitment from him...
i know that the break up did have some bearing on her final actions... i know that everyone is telling him not to blame himself...and saving face.... lets face fact....he is part to blame...im sorry but he is...im sure there were many factors... but i have lost someone that had part of my heart, and now they are gone...and she isnt coming back... and honestly, i cant deal with it sometimes... i know that things happen for a reason, but this is one i know it will take a lng time to figure out....too much reminds me of her...and its still too soon... i find jeffs actions disrespectful to her.... and i dont care if he i family or not... this i may not be able to forgive...

when do the tears stop.. when will i catch my breath again..
i see her everywhere, and she is everywhere..
the pain is so great, my heart feels like it is going to stop.
so many flashes in my mind, so many memories...
so many fucking questions that will never be answered....
my beautiful wife is gone...
may the lord and lady ease her into her new surroundings.. i pray for her babies that are left here
i pray for jeff who mourns with me...
no blame to be be made. she made this choice.. for a reason...

i love you suzanne....

a tradition that i started in 2006 was doing a painting on new years eve... starting it early enough so that i would be done by 1130 ish.. and then sign it after midnight...

Feels more like i have lived a few lifetimes...
learned many lessons and have seen a side of human nature that makes me just wonder...
my year of Off-ness has made me if anything more observant... more aware of people...nature... and myself...
but in it all i have seen how some people dont change ...evolve... or will probably never change... and what they dont know as that it will be what will destroy them ...

oh well.. so not my problem or care...
what i will say is ..."good luck"

i dont know how i have made it as long as i have this year without work, but i did, unfortunately it meant alot of sacrifice and alot of letting go.. and cleaning out...
but...
2009 already has some great project already in the works... i am excited that the modeling is getting comfortable and that i am also through that getting to take more shoots.. many planeed for the next 2 months... my website will be up soon.. YAY!

my relationship with mina is better than i could have ever expected...that was worth all the sacrifice that came with this year.. and trent is speaking a bit more and moving up well in school...
and Goddess Bless anime!

Its July !~ where is the year going... and wtf is going to happen in the next 2 months as the time for school and going back to work gets near.....

alot has been going on.. i really have not been feeling up to writing ... things with the "marital" side of the family have been a bit piss poor for the week or so... i just started to feel better.. with the help of a special friend...

Mina has been doing a great job with the bags.. she has made some great looking bags.. she ans i made one for the Pete cncert to use it as a tester to see if it would survive a concert and such.. and it did .. i wanted to see if Pete could sign it but his Moby look a like steroid bodyguard was not allowing anyne t spend too much time with him... i was right in front of him for the whle show.. much eye contact and merriment had... and i did get to see him afterwards.. not like the awesome meeting from 2005 .. but he held me hand and we spoke a few words ...the show was in baltimore and it was a HUGE crowd! and alot stayed for him to come out to the bus.. i got some pics with the other band members.. they were cool to hang with... the show i went to in 2005 rocked as that it was a really small group waiting for him ...so we got alot more time to chat... i tried to get a pic of Pete.. but again Moby wanna be put his head in the way...
so this morning .. i finally got an email.. about the Autism walk on july 4th! and then it said the registration was closed online.. well, no shit it is 2 days away!... i am writing to let them know that as that this the 3rd year in a row going... and this is the first time notice was so late... if anyone wants to come with.. it may just be me.. or i may have mina come...

i am really warm
we are all warm here....

it the second day.. i am watching 3 girls today.. it was the first day of maskmaking ..
it went well
the girls are timid to work with the glue.. well, Mina isnt.. the other two are...

next week we all start the sewing summer project
a money making project...
the girls are making anime hats and bags.. mina is doing bags some will be handpainted with her original design...bethany is doing hats with "anime expressions"
amanda is the "manager".. keeping inventory on track, and keeping cost under control.

we will do our first sale at the flea market in pasadena..


trivia was weird last night.. i was alone, but even though i came in last.. i did well till the last half... and wagering points on the last question...
it was lonely in the waiting for it to start....

i am debating on gyming.. waiting for neal to get home so i can take two of the girls to the library...
*sigh*

but i still feel lonely...

MIna has her Graduation tomorrow
i cant believe we made it through primary school...
she is an awesome girl,,, focused student, and has been comended on how she is a leader amongst her peers...and how she has such manners...

(they dont see her at home...lol)

we will all be going to EC for lunch at the Pub...
Mina's pick.

we just need to be home in time for when Trent gets off the bus @1:50
*crosses fingers*

monday starts a whole new chapter of stay at home gothmom,...
home with the children all day.. with 2 extras for kicks..
i will be getting paid for one of them.. and that money will be in my own persnal account i opened a few weeks ago.
any art i sell, anything i sell on ebay, or from babysiting .. goes into that account and no one touches it but me...

my saturday night class is going really well.. quantum physics was actually easy to understand...lol

so i heard from the Faith that on the 14th it will be the last ES...!
very sad to say the least
so many memories made there....*giggles*
tons!!!!!!

i am going to go.. why not?

i am tired..
going to bed.

how much do i hate my life right now....
quite a bit

i am tired of being so angry
and tired of being miserable...

and now i am getting mad at everyone for having a life and i am mad that i c

Being Poor SUCKS...
Being unemployed... really sucks..
but there is an up side...


being able to have adventures that you could have never done if you were working 9-5

i have 2 insightful meetings this week... well i already kinda knew these pwople.. but never had the chance to really get to know, nor speak and gain the knowledge...

tuesday i had the pleasure to meet up with a young man, Jonathon, who is an amazing artist.. he is a photographer that i met in Feb at the Depot... he took some shots of my friends and me that night... we have spoken on line and texted and have tried to do lunch.. and finally got together this past week.
as that i am trying to go a bit further in working on my photography, i wanted to sit down and talk with him... it was awesome.. and he is being uber cool with critique and me learning techniques..
i feel like i am back in college again

thursday... WOW
breakfast with Eric Schwartz.... wow
we met at the Paper Moon and that was beyond cool
he is the awesome folksinger.. known for the song Keep your Jesus Off my Penis...
well we have chatted and such the past couple of years.. and he was performing wed night... but i couldnt make it .. so we did breakfast..and i have such a respect for his thought set...

he asked such questions about autism and trent.. it made me think on a completely new level re.. the spectrum of the disease....

the jeep is on ebay again... trying to sell it...
still job hunting
trying to keep sane...

My best Wife is now living with me .. what more could i ask for.... she rocks ! and i love her
in the most unconditional way... and i know she wont stomp on my feelings like others have in the past....there is much laughter ...and even some tears... but its ok.

i think it is a bit pathetic when people have to draw constant attention to themselves...
can't maybe leave things alone...

i guess they have nothing better to do ...


i could give them such suggestion...

but i will remain silent ....

so i decided to cut it all off
start fresh
Neal was not 100% thrilled with what he calls the "slant" of it...
i was like... ok, but i love it.. so that will kinda be that ...lol

someone told me that they thought i looked younger...
that person gets a cookie!

i think when i go out next weekend ... and i am sure there will be pictures taken ;)
and then i will post pics of he new do...
but i am sure you all will see it in person soon enough....

the pink is gone...
i will be original in some other manner...

i like the edge-ee-ness...
of it ..
and on the non- job ness.... i am stuying for an exam for a government job...
i have looked at how to tone down my appearence if need be.. i oredered plugs instead of my tunnels..
due to the new tattoo-s i have gotten in the last month.. i will need to wear a collar in myshirt choices and possibly long sleeves..
but for the money being offered.. it is worth it...

cheers!

After 4 years ... Angelus still smells a puppet show....

this cold is still kicking my ass
i am glad i am not working .. cause then i know i would be feeling worse...
yesterday was beautiful...
and after that rain.. there was an awesome rainbow..

what day is it anyway?

i heard in the news, that there may be snow?
that would be cool
i was hoping that this winter we would have like a huge snow fall in february...
no ice!

i am going back to bed

to grow i must let go... that was the main message i was rceiving last night in meditation in class...
and oh, that thing called forgiveness....

*laughs*

this wind today was fierce.. well not so much "was" it still is ...
i do enjoy that the days are getting longer.. that helps alot
my funk comes and goes.. last weekend, my Luvbug was here .. and all was quite happy...
i look at pictures and i miss her.. but she will be back soon...

i am finding that weekends are kind of the worse when it comes to not working...
there isnt that appreciation for them anymore.. i rather do not like them, as the days kind of run together... and that is a bit crap. i am glad i have a calender above my desk.

i cant believe how hard it is to find work!!!
i am applying... and not having alot of luck.

i need to make a plan .. and really try to keep to it...
i will start with weekly...and then go from there....
grrrr.

so today it has been 1 month since My sweet nanny left for Florida
and it was a month ago today that i left work for good....

it feels like it has been months...

this week will be good...

job interview tuesday
wednesday.. my LuvBug will be here for 5DAYS...
a weekend of pubbing and clubing

and sunday.. the first meeting of the MUSES!!!!!

so .. tonight is the show at the at the Lyric, i am going in support of Jessica and Case, and to sit with Nick... i am curious.. but not like all excited due to His behavior towards me.. if anything my disappointment of him since i this spring is growing.. and i am mad that i cant say anything.. but out of respect, for Jess .. i will not...
many just tell me to just forget about it and move on , and that His opinion really desnt matter in the big picture of it all.. which it really does not.. but he needs to stay out of My business when it comes to MY show.
Faith will be going too.. this should be good. i pray for His sake that it goes well.
speaking of my show, the first meeting will be on 2.3
as that my LuvBug will be in town, it seems quite appropriate... i will be delegating responsibility on music and such.

Our floor arrived wednesday night for the kitchen.. now i need to move everything out of the kitchen, so Neal can put it in, before Luv comes on WEDNESDAY!!!
and i need to get the guest room, aka, Trent's room done.
her visit is my motivation right now....lol
so i guess i will need to find something to wear for tonight..

my last severance check was deposited this morning...
i have an interview for a part time job on tuesday.. salon work, which is cool, but i am not sure about the $$$$.. we will see...
i am trying to apply for either something that i can do at home till fall or something good that i can hire a nanny....

But my friend dropped some coffee by my house this morning , and that made me smile ....

so .. i ask all my friends...
if you have pictures with me.. please send them to me the lilou yahoo address..
the main conputer died
and i am hoping that we can retreive all the photo files...
so if you have pics of me and the kids.. please
send....
so we are down to one computer for now
and that is my laptop

i am babysitting this week.. which is weird
i mean, like being paid for babysitting..
but it will help...

so friday is the SHOW...lol
the Shawn Anthony thng at the Lyric
i will be sitting with Jess's husband, Nick
and Faith.. and her two friends...
i am soooo hoping it is good for Jess and Case...

then i am hoping to go to the Depot after to unwind...lol

it is a cold monday
and i need to go out to the store... and i really just want to stay on the sofa with my blanket